Before you read this blog entry, let it be known that these statements come from real-life experiences and that all of these feelings are real and should not be taken lightly.
When I was 3 years old, my babysitter would tell me to sit on the steps while the other children would play. She told me it was because I was misbehaving and that sitting on the steps was time out, but now that I look back on it, I don’t remember any of the other children receiving the same punishment. Perhaps I was actually misbehaving, so much so that I had to be isolated from the group. Or perhaps it’s because I was the only little Black girl in a sea of white children.
In fourth grade, I had to switch classrooms because my teacher was committing micro-aggressions toward me. She would make subtle racist comments and made it her priority to make me feel uncomfortable. I remember reading a book about Jackie Robinson and feeling her eyes staring at me every time she would talk about the oppression that he faced. However, these stares weren’t comforting stares to make sure that I wasn’t bothered by the topic but rather to make sure that I was becoming aware of how much society did not respect my people.
Do you know what this feels like? To be afraid to go into a classroom because your teacher mentally breaks you down at every opportunity? To feel the piercing stares of your teacher on your neck while you’re trying to learn?
In sixth grade, I was called an “Oreo” and was told that I “talk so white.” The irony behind this is that many of these statements were made by other Black students, whom you would think would be supportive of one another. I now realize that when you’re 12, surrounded by white people and represented in the media in one specific way, you don’t know what it means to be Black. You don’t see the beauty in the melanin in our skin, and the blood and sweat from the slaves who built the institutions that you go in and out of everyday. You don’t know how saying “you talk so white” is dehumanizing of your culture, and implying that we are uneducated and are unable to articulate. All you know is that white people are supposed to talk one way, and if you talk like them, then something must be wrong with you.
Yesterday, I was looked at sideways because I chose to address contemporary institutionalized racism and how the oppression of the Black community has been instilled into generations of minds and cannot be changed overnight. But that’s nothing special.
But the point is not to show how oppressed I am or how much discrimination I face.
The point is to show specific examples of how it feels to be Black in a white environment and how calling me a nigger is not what hurts, but rather committing acts of micro-aggression is really what contributes to the oppression.
Let’s dig deeper into this idea of micro-aggression because I could literally write books on it. Single spaced, 10-point font and no paragraphs.
Micro-aggression (in my own words) is the intentional or unintentional acts that are committed by individuals that are derogatory or oppressive. Some examples of this include racist jokes (which no one finds funny ever), implications of an individual’s abilities based on prejudice and judgmental looks or gestures toward a particular individual because of their race.
Another super important part of being Black in a white environment is the amount of cultural appropriation that we have to witness. Yes. Please. Make your lips as plump as possible, try and accentuate your curves as much as possible, and please scream “nigga” five more times as you dab to a song by Kendrick that has to do with cultural oppression, but all you know is “we gon be alright.” Once again, having plump lips, curves and dabbing is fine, but it’s when the white community is commended for the things that the Black community is condemned for that makes it repulsive.
Let it be known that Kylie Jenner’s career has thrived due to her plump lips and curvaceous figure, yet Zendaya was looked down upon by the media when she wore dreadlocks on the red carpet because she “looked like she smelled of weed.” Might I also add that when Jenner wore dreadlocks in her shoot for Teen Vogue, the media commended her for “taking risks” and being “fashion forward,” but neither weed nor smell were spoken of.
Let it also be known that Zendaya is openly expressing her love for her culture, while Jenner is imitating and mocking a culture that is not hers, once again reinforcing the idea that the white community benefits from Black culture, yet they are mute when it comes to actual Black issues.
Where was Jenner when Eric Garner couldn’t breathe? Does Iggy know what happened to Sandra Bland? Everyone wants to be Black, but no one really wants to Black.
P.S. Notice how I didn’t address saying nigga because that would actually be tooooo much for this one article.
Overall, being Black in a white community just means never being able to be who you are without constantly thinking about how the white people around you will react, and it most definitely means not being able to express your Blackness without someone else thinking they know your culture better than you do.
Zaria Howell is a 10th-grade student at the Dwight School in Manhattan. She is also a three-year W.E.B. Du Bois Scholar.